The Performance Anxiety of Motherhood

 "I need to get my act together . . " I've lamented several times a day for the last few weeks. A feeling of angst is displaying itself in my conscious thought- that I am somehow sinking a grade level or two in the self given report-card of life.

Having grown up as a habitually good student, the pleasure I received from getting good grades was palpable, defining, even. However, much as we try to give ourselves grace, I still have the propensity to self-grade. This isn't a solely negative thing, however, and I can use it to recognize and congratulate myself on successes as well as use it to correct areas I think may need changes or attention. I of course, do not assign letter grades. It's more of an internal check- like a weathervane, perhaps, or a series of weathervanes (as a mother of a family of 5, things are probably too complex for just one) to make sure our family is all sailing in the right direction.

Lately, I have been floundering a bit, I admit. It took me a pause of self reflection to identify and name the struggle. What I've been feeling lately is performance anxiety.

It seems almost laughable that someone might have performance anxiety over the mundane- usually we hear of it for people in high pressure jobs like air traffic controllers or NFL quarterbacks. Motherhood, on the outside, especially if we believe the thoughts of those who denegrate it, isn't supposed to be a high stress job. All lollipops and cupcakes; unicorns and rainbows. Bliss, unmitigated bliss, people.

However, this angst of motherhood is not specific to me. In her book "Ordinary Insanity: Fear and the Silent Crisis of Motherhood in America", Sarah Menkedick estimates that those with perinatal (before and after birth) mood disorders have grown more common and may affect nearly half of all women, though many are subclinical. While I don't agree with all the conclusions Menkedick reaches, the book is filled with overwhelming evidence that mental health issues among perinatal women are increasing, and their own stories are breathtaking. The prevailing issue striking women today? Anxiety. Additionally, many women who encounter anxiety or depression during pregnancy or post-partum may continue to struggle with it for years, as it gets woven into the very fabric of their motherhood.

Mendedick states, "Hypersensitivity to risk is the dominant characteristic of what German sociologist Uhrich Beck called a "risk society".  In a risk society, the predominant dogma is an intolerance of risk, even risks that are very small; particularly as we have developed a society more and more technical and complex, where advancements end up becoming dangers that can't be predicted or controlled.

This phenomena is nowhere more evident than in motherhood. Now, women increasingly feel that it is their job to eliminate all risks to their families. "Mothers enter a zone in which risk is the sole framework of their lives, every risk is peak, and each one equally, imminently possible. Choking. Drowning. Falling. SIDS. Strangulation. Dog Attack. Allergic Reaction. Food Poisoning. Infection. These are feelings as much as they are risks and the feeling is a terror of harm to one's child. What matters is the mere possibility, not the probability," Menkedick states.

Couple that impossible task of insuring family safety to the fact that in our troubled times (AKA COVID 19, coronavirus, the rona, pandemic . . . cue music from corporate ads), risk mitigation has escalated to unforeseen levels. People are bathing their groceries and some unlucky souls have poisoned themselves drinking hand sanitizer. My friend mentioned fears for her husband who was going to the post office. One night last month, I woke up in a panic that I had Covid 19. Why? I was hot. I woke up hot so I was sure I was feverish (I wasn't).

Why do I mention performance anxiety specifically, rather than just anxiety? It may be due to the fact that currently, privacy is deemed increasingly less important, less valued than it used to be. It seems like we are in a spotlight as mothers; we may feel like nearly every decision we make is scrutinized by our doctors, friends, acquaintances and even just the general public. Motherhood also frequently gets played out in the social media world, where sharks patrol the waters and vilify those who are making choices contrary to their own. 

Add the additional factor that decisions right now feel like a catch 22- no good options, no clearly better options arise. Think about the enormous amount of rhetoric surrounding sending kids back to school this fall. Some akin the decision to return to in-classroom teaching to sending your precious child to their death. Others focus on the dangers to society of children congregating, especially with how difficult it may be to enforce the rules around social distancing with younger children. Those on the other side of the debate will remind you of the social emotional needs of the child and fears mount that if you delay a return to in-person school (AKA normalcy), you may be scarring that young person for life or increasing their own chances of anxiety, depression or even suicide. None of those are exactly pleasant options. However, a choice has to be made.

The truth is, each of these points are valid. No decision right now is a no-brainer with life and death hanging in the balance. Many parents are just looking to have their choices validated, supported, by asking "What would you do?" In this questioning, what we really are asking for is unobtainable- a guarantee that the choice we make is the right one. Life has no such guarantees. It will always be filled with judgement calls, with risks, with a bit of a gamble.

There is a lot to be concerned about right now. What are some ways we can shift the focus? Here are some suggestions:

1. Decide what you have some control over and work on being ok with our inability to control the other things. You may have older parents who are still independent that have decided that they are not going to social distance or wear a mask and you are terrified for their lives. Your child may have touched (licked) something in a public place that you know is covered in germs. You can't control everything (and you don't even want to try!), so practice deciding to let some things go.

2. Find your blue flame. I became familiar the the phrase "blue flame" while reading Jennifer Fulwiler's book "One Beautiful Dream". In short, your blue flame is something that you are passionate about. Nothing is more healing than creating something or participating in a new interest.

3. Make your choices, and then be at peace. This concept is one I learned from a slim but life changing book called "Searching for and Maintaining Peace, " by Father Jacques Philippe. The basic principle is to set aside the second guessing and constant obsessing that we may have after we've made a decision. Unless there is new information we haven't considered, we don't have to go through the mental acrobats involved in that decision again. Good or bad, the decision is done and we can be at peace with it through conscious effort.

4. Care of the whole individual. Physical, Mental, Emotional and Spiritual wellbeing are all part of our personhood. Each part of the person is indispensable and therefore, needs for that realm should not be forgotten. The enjoyment we get from social interactions, dining out, attending church and school, hanging out with friends, doing activities together or just being physically present to another feeds our wellbeing in ways that should not be minimized or forgotten. Should precautions be taken? Of course. But we cannot wait until things are perfectly physically safe to attend to those other important needs or we choose to live impoverished lives. If you are unsure where to begin, try something new: a walk with a close friend, forest bathing, a return (or first try) to church or prayer life, meditation, a trip to the park or beach, hiking, gardening, making or enjoying art. These soul-enriching activities are nearly limitless and can add much wellbeing, which which will lead to health of the whole person.

5. Recognize when self help is not enough. When I was a brand new mother, I began suffering from what I assumed was post partum depression. After reading more descriptions later on, I feel a diagnosis of post partum OCD was more appropriate. I would have an intrusive thought of something terrible happening to my baby. The thought would be so graphic and realistic that it was terrifying. I would instantly feel distress and shame for the thought and immediately try to push it out of my conscious, which led to a battle with my own thinking, happening again and again. I began to be terrified to be at home alone with my baby. I'd pack my daughter in her stroller and leave the house in the mornings my husband was working, and spend the day between Target, the library and a restaurant, trying to prolong the time until my husband got home in mid afternoon. While this was a coping strategy, it wasn't entirely healthy and I reached out to my OB GYN who was, blessedly, able to direct me to a therapist and prescribe antidepressants. Also, a good friend invited me to a local La Leche League meeting, where I felt supported and empowered as a mom. I would continue to attend that same meeting for years and feel like it was an essential part of my growth as a mother as well as my mental healing. I was lucky that I had a kind and helpful husband, a knowledgeable doctor, an empathetic therapist and a circle of women who helped me through my illness. I was able to learn to examine the thoughts, recognizing that they did not have any power over the situation, and choose to move on rather than pushing them out of my head. I did get better and I luckily have avoided any further bouts with depression and anxiety. Mental health resources are available to help. You don't have to struggle alone. You wouldn't try to fix your own broken leg. Mental health care can really make a difference to your overall health and wellbeing over the course of your lifetime.