A Pro-Life Response to the Leaked Dobbs Draft

 It's been a few weeks now since the leak of Justice Alito's Dobbs draft verdict sent shock waves around our nation. People on both sides of the debate have taken to protests and counter-protests in the streets, at the Supreme Court, and even at Supreme Court justices' homes. Alito has been taken into a safe house as threats for his safety have been made. Protesters have attempted to disrupt Catholic mass at a California church. It feels like an unsettled time; particularly because the final result is not yet set in stone and the aftermath of that final result is not yet known.

As a pro-life person, I can certainly see the value of legal protection for the unborn which would occur if the Dobbs case continues on to repeal Roe V. Wade. At the same time, and as many in the pro-life movement have been stating for many years, repealing Roe V. Wade complicates things. Right now, crisis pregnancy centers can certainly attest to that, as some are being violently attacked because of the draft verdict. Many of these pro-life folks aren't political. They are simply focused on saving two lives at a time; that particular mama and that particular baby that have made it in front of them. Other than advertising, they aren't going out into the world to seek mothers in crisis. They know that women need their services and those mothers will seek them out. They wait with smiling faces for whomever comes walking through the door of their crisis pregnancy center. Now, they also have to worry that someone might throw a brick through their door. It's certainly a challenging time.

Ordinary folks have flocked to social media to describe their concerns with overcoming Roe. There are two main arguments against repealing Roe that are circulating right now. These are the points I would like to respond to. As always, my goal is to get all of us, pro-choice and pro-life people alike, thinking and discussing those deep, hard questions that arise at times like these.

The "Forced Birth" Narrative

The "Forced Birth" narrative states that women who have gotten pregnant will now be forced to give birth, since abortion may not be legal in the state in which they live. This narrative depends upon "The Patriarchy", a group of crazed, old, Puritanical, male politicians who are interested in serving as the morality police and jumping through the bedroom door and catching people in the act of whatever kinky sex act they are committing, then hauling them out and having them placed in the stocks. Since these women aren't supposed to have sex, the narrative states, they are being punished for their crimes by being forced to carry their pregnancy to term. 

The trouble with the "Forced Birth" narrative is that it attempts to look at everything completely backwards. The natural and logical consequence of sex is actually reproduction. That is why we call the uterus, vagina, penis, testicles et al part of the reproductive system. These organs, coupled together in a certain way, lead to pregnancy. Those of us who are women have a body that prepares for pregnancy EVERY MONTH. Just in case. Pregnancy is not an aberration. Decades of sex ed in America and our culture is still immersed in a type of science denialism that is shocked when a baby is created after intercourse. 

But wait, we've invented birth control, you say! Isn't that the solution to that dirty old inconvenience of fertility? Any of us 80's kids can remember back to Jurassic Park when the dinosaurs were all female, and so they couldn't breed, right? Then, Jeff Goldbloom's character finds a nest of eggs. (He's that quirky chaos theory scientist who made the movie worth watching.) He utters the phrase, "Life will find a way". It's kind of the same with our reproductive systems. They are simply trying to do what they are build to do, and sometimes they get around our "safe sex" protocols and life is begun.

So, we have people who don't act as though their reproductive systems are meant for reproduction. When they then are confronted with the natural and logical consequence of pregnancy, we're stating then that they are forced to give birth. Why are we not angry with a society that sold our citizens the promise of safety with their birth control? Why are we not angry with those that give an illusion that sex could be without consequences? 

Fine, some would say, we will just get rid of the consequence. Abortion is an alternative, and we can have that woman "back to normal" in no time. But here is the inconvenient truth. Abortion ends the life of a child. Period. Whether it is a very young child, or a child ready to be born tomorrow, it ends the life of a child. That's inconvenient. It's annoying. But it's true. I, and many like me, would state that this child, being human, is entitled by law to protection of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. 

So, it is a great difficulty to overcome that we've created a society that depends upon abortion, the deliberate ending of a life, in order to function. That doesn't make that society great or just or right. It's just where we are at this place in time. Our country needs abortion to meet the demands of the current culture in the same way that the south needed slavery before the civil war. Let that sink in.

The Burden on The Poor

Another concern voiced is the one that the poor in the country would shoulder an undue burden from the repeal of Roe V. Wade because they may live in a state that will restrict or make abortion illegal. Since that woman is poor, she wouldn't have the luxury of traveling to another state to have an abortion. That woman would then wind up parenting her child without having the resources to adequately do so. Alternatively, she may wind up having an illegal abortion and could wind up losing her life in the process. 

This, too, is a concern for me. I feel a special kinship to the world's poor. I try to live in solidarity with the poor as much as I can. As such, I try to do what I can to help my brothers and sisters who are going without. As a mother with three children, I know that it can be especially challenging to make ends meet with more mouths to feed.

So, perhaps we should ask ourselves two things. Are children inherently more valuable if they come to rich people? And would more people choose life if they had more resources?

The first concept, stemming from an elitism that grades people on their socioeconomic status, is troublesome because we know that there are some very exceptional people who have been born into impoverished circumstances. We can also think anecdotally about people who are the children of wealthy parents who also may not have turned into the most amazing members of our society. The ideas that privilege can actually be a problem in our society and that poverty builds resilience are both fairly straightforward. 

Wealthy elites may decide that poorer people should not have children because they are a burden and a drain on society. However, when our society deems it so, we forget that people are actually a resource. Sure, kids do take up resources to begin life, especially if we want to emphasize raising them the "Western Way"- orthodontia and iphones and college. However, each child may in turn become a resource for both society and their families. It is an investment in the future of our country that every parent and every teacher understands well. It is also what our ancestors saw children and how our ancestors lived. 

Would more people choose life if they had more resources? Consider the fact that economic reasons are stated as a reason for the vast majority of abortions. The resources to parent or to find adoptive parents for their children can change many parents' hearts and minds. Changing hearts and minds are what the pro-life ministry has been about all these years while operating crisis pregnancy centers. Likewise, providing resources for parents are a huge part of the crisis pregnancy center's activities. Going forward, if we wind up finding we in fact are living in a post-Roe world, we as a society need to renew our responsibilities to those people facing crisis pregnancies. Are we a society of abundance or a society of scarcity? I think if you can look around at our privileged lives, you can answer that question. 

Pride, Power and War

Our language has had a seismic shift when it comes to the word "pride". The connotations of the word are now seeped in positive light. We might say things like "I'm proud of you!" or "He's my pride and joy!" or "She beamed with pride!" All of these are certainly positive things. However, with the change in our language, we run the risk of losing our grasp of something key. These are the great number of problems that the sin of pride can cause.

Why is pride problematic? Or perhaps, the word problematic is too weak. After all, in the Catholic tradition, pride is considered to be the worst of the seven deadly sins. A friend of mine posted a thought-provoking post a few weeks ago about the dangers to one's own soul from the sin of pride. It described things that pride might rob one from, such as not learning a lesson from an unfortunate circumstance we've gone through or not repairing a relationship because we keep a chip on our shoulder. There are many ways that we can injure ourselves through the sin of pride, but they are just a drop in the bucket to ways we can injure others through the sin of pride. 

So, at its root, the sin of pride is about disordered thinking. Locked into a comparison with others, we assert that our needs or wants circumvent theirs. Of course, how much of an impact this disordered thinking has depends on the end result. On the mild end of the spectrum, a kid might hog more than one's fair share of the halloween candy. On the serious end of the spectrum, a sexual predator decides fulfilling his desires are more important than the victim's needs not to be attacked. Most if not all major sins have the sin of pride at the core.

It can be normal and natural to want to advance our own cause, but we as a society instinctively recognize that when we violate the rules of fair play, we have crossed a line. That line is important, because it allows us to have a just society (or at least to aim towards a just society, since this is rarely perfected). We can sniff out a cheat, chew people out who jump the line, and we will cheer for the underdog in a movie who follows the rules even though it means he comes out behind. 

If I, as an ordinary person, stumble and succumb to the sin of pride, it is likely that the impact would be somewhat mild. No matter how prideful most ordinary citizens are, they have a limited number of resources to advance themselves. Face it, we ordinary folks have a limited amount of power.

As I write this, Ukraine is being invaded by Russia. This act weighs on most people's minds these days regardless of how close the impact is. Disordered thinking, or the sin of pride, if you prefer, has coupled with power to convince key Russian leaders that 1. it is permissible to advance Russian's interests beyond the Ukraine's needs to continue to live a life not torn by violence AND 2. that Russian powers are great enough that they may be successful.

So, as you can see, the sin of pride and the disordered thinking it generates can couple with power to create war. Unfortunately, this is a pattern that is as old as humanity.

It is devastating to realize how quickly destructive power can tear a hole in a country and how difficult and time-consuming the rebuilding process is. As our local priest described it today, it can take but a moment to launch a missile and years to rebuild the apartment complex it destroys. A man can be shot in a second, while it took him 53 years to develop to this point. An act of rape takes only a few minutes to perpetrate; the recovery of the victim can take decades or more. 

This cannot be the final word, however. Destructive forces are powerful, but they aren't as powerful as life-giving forces. We can shoot a man in war, but we can't take the same dead man and breathe new life into him. And because we are called for good, we yearn for better. Right now, many ordinary people in Russia are bravely standing up to those decision makers against this war at great personal risk.

We can't live and love and thrive in a world that is beset by destructive forces. Destruction ultimately wears itself out. We see this same pattern play out in the Resurrection of Christ. Christ was killed during his crucifixion, but death did not have the final say. It may seem like peace isn't powerful, but it truly is. No matter where we live, our hearts are made for life-building. We all yearn for justice; we want to build a thriving, fruitful society. I join others in the world who raise their weary voices in prayers for peace. May those voices rise until they drown out the ones calling for destruction.

Humility and The Father's Wisdom

 Part of my journey right now is a bit of a marathon- the building of a log home for our family in our mountain community. My father, in his seventies, has built multiple similar log homes throughout his life and I rely heavily on his wealth of knowledge in order to gain the varied skills this somewhat Herculean task requires. 

Recently, I was showing Dad my door frames and the door I had hand-made a winter or so ago. He sized up the frames and the door and shook his head. 

"How heavy is that door?" Dad asked.

"Not that heavy . . ." I said somewhat defensively. I had worked hard on this door, and I was proud of it. I had made it from left-over solid pine tongue and groove which was excess from our upper floor- which was also cut by us on our sawmill and planed and grooved by us as well. There was no way I didn't want to utilize each and every scrap of that wood.

There was only one problem- it was 2 inches thick, solid wood. It was heavy. 

And I knew this. I knew it already. Once I had the idea to use the flooring for the door, I was mentally committed. Once I completed it, I was talking to dad about it- he had also made several doors- and he mentioned that though his doors were homemade, they weren't solid like mine. They had a thinner wood veneer over a frame, which made them much lighter, and the cavity could be filled with insulation. The method I used wasn't as good for a door because it was much heavier and uninsulated. I poo-pooed his objections to my door (but I did build a hollow core door for my second exterior door for our basement, so I was at least half listening).

So, I determined to lighten the already made door and make it hollow as well. I decided to drill into the sides at intervals and create thin chambers which I could fill with insulation. I set to work at this and it was incredibly difficult to keep the chamber going straight in and not accidentally bust through the wood of the door, which I did multiple times. No matter how hard I tried to drill staight in, I kept leaving holes I would have to patch somehow. Although I bought an extension for my drill bit, I still could not drill in very far into the side of the door and all my work wasn't appreciably altering its weight.

Now, the moment of truth was before me as Dad and I examined the door.  

"Is that door too heavy for your door frames? Is it too heavy for your hinges? Is it going to be light enough to even close?" He lifted the edge and groaned, "What is it, 500 lbs?"

My throat tightened. My hinges, the heavy duty ones, were only good for up to 150 lbs.

"Fine, I'll just make a new door!" I snapped, realization sinking in. "It's not like I've spent any time on this one!"

I angrily began to gather supplies for the replacement door. Was it a bitter pill to swallow? For sure. But I had gained enough insight from the past 7 years spent building to recognize that I am not the expert. 

Now, I might not always have recognized so readily that the best thing to do would be to build a new door. This realization comes from a place of humility, a place of realization of my own limitations, mistakes made. It comes from the acknowledgment that others, especially in this place, my father, know better than myself what would be right in regards to this door. 

And, my earthly father is a kind father. He doesn't want to cause me more work. While it is irksome to lose the labor and materials put into that door, I can now recognize the insistence of using it would most likely cost me many more problems in the future as I'd struggle to use something unsuitable for the job. I can now see its weight pulling on the hinges until they break, or distorting the door frame. My dad tells me the truth about this matter out of love, to prevent those problems from occurring in the future. He has the knowledge to change my outcomes for the better.

Of course, it hasn't always been quick for me to accept dad's wisdom. Early on, especially, I'd reject his advice and take what I thought of as a shortcut. Then, I would realize I was actually fighting to do it the hard way, due to something I didn't have an insight on making my short cut a wrong cut. Accepting others' wisdom is truly an exercise in humility. 

Let's expand this concept to Our Heavenly Father. Have we ever been stuck in our own patterns, rigid, unable to change our plans? Except sometimes our plans are all wrong for us- like we don't even know ourselves? Like someone else actually knows what we need more than we do for ourselves? Like how a wise parent knows what their fractious toddler needs is a nap though he's fighting it tooth and nail? If we plumb the depths of our hearts, perhaps, we'd already recognize that we need a new route or a new plan. 

Sometimes we cling to the wrong path like I was clinging to the wrong door. Sometimes we suffer much more for trying to take what we perceive to be the easier route. We think we know what will work for us, what will be best, but we're blinded by what we don't know. 

Next, sometimes, we balk at making a change we know deep down needs to happen. Perhaps it is a laziness drawing us to a comfortable life without ever questioning our greater purpose. Perhaps we are living in fear of the change that may arise, or the unknown. Perhaps we feel committed to something, and feel foolish admitting that the course we insisted upon is actually wrong for us. 

My brother has always had a deep desire to serve the Lord. In his late teens, he felt a calling for the vocation of the priesthood, a noble and great calling indeed. However, partway through his seminary years, he perceived God's gentle guidance that this was not indeed the path for him. He left the seminary and the time after that must have been difficult to live through, with the uncertainty that arises from beginning anew. Later, he met his future wife, and they both discovered a new vocation, one of family and children. It is no less beautiful or holy than his original plan. I remember when he was a little boy; he once drew a picture of a house he was going to build, with multiple floors for his 100 children. (Of course, he's not quite that prolific- with just 4 children). His path to become a father wasn't perhaps what he expected in his early adulthood, but the new vocation fits him like a glove.

Sometimes God talks to us the loudest through the doors he's plastered shut. The "nos" he gives us aren't pleasant to hear, but they are necessary to help us choose a new course. Sometimes the only way we can get where we are meant to be is by altering our route, bravely choosing something different. Sometimes, we have to face facts, listening to our Father's wisdom. Sometimes, we have to realize it is time to to make a new door.

More than Our Fair Share

 A frequent skirmish that takes place in our house oddly involves restaurant leftovers. My middle son, with his low impulse control and trouble with empathy, frequently takes other family members' leftovers and eats them overnight (usually my eldest daughter's). Drama usually ensues where she chastises him for his thoughtless behavior, and in his typical sweet guy manner, he contritely apologizes and vows to not repeat the behavior. When we're talking to him about this problematic behavior, we stress the importance of not taking more than our fair share. The concept is basic and simple. In a family of 5, take about one fifth of the cherries in the sack, for instance. Make sure there is enough to go around.

Reflecting a little further on this concept of a fair share, we see that society's success depends upon it. At the grocery store, we assume no one is eating all of the bananas without purchasing them. In our neighborhood, no one steals all the bikes from our yard. We can eat an ice cream cone on the beach without a big bully muscling in and snatching it. Society's laws and norms protect most people's personal items in most situations. A balance between prudent boundaries providing for our family's future needs and a generous provision for our communities' and the world's needs is admirable and necessary. Taxation and charitable giving both reflect our society's understanding of the necessity of this basic concept.

However, we can see many examples in our country's behavior of imprudent use. We have simply grown used to taking more than our fair share, and the impact of a hyper-consumeristic culture is quite literally degrading our earth. Pope Francis, the current leader of the Catholic Church here on earth highlights our western "hoggy-ness"- a wastefulness and overuse he terms  "throwaway culture" in his Encyclical letter Laudato Si: On Care for Our Common Home. Instead of taking a fair portion, we are consuming much more here in the US particularly and also producing a lion's share of the garbage and pollution. "A true "ecological debt" exists," Pope Francis states, " particularly between the global north and south, connected to commercial imbalances with effects on the environment, and the disproportionate use of natural resources by certain countries over long periods of time . . . The warming caused by huge consumption on the part of some rich countries has repercussions on the poorest areas of the world . . ."

Even our efforts at countering this environmental degradation can be tainted by our tendency to take more than our fair share. For instance, instead of a company seeking to reduce its own pollution, it is now possible for that company to purchase carbon offsets. Typically set up in third world countries, carbon offsets set aside an area of forest or create a new forest to act as a carbon sink so said company can continue  its polluting. Carbon offsets can be an example of injustice as they place the burden of diverting environmental degradation to people who aren't responsible for it. Carbon offsets also make matters worse for some  people in third world countries as the forests need to remain pristine, so leaders who have been paid by the company are essentially locking people out of places they may have previously depended upon for subsistence. 

Don't get me wrong, carbon sinks and reforestation can be a great strategy to help combat environmental degradation. But this approach needs to be done locally and with a both/and type of approach- such as both plant more trees AND reduce emissions. A human oriented approach to environmental issues helps ensure we are doing things fairly. Pope Francis reminds us, "Today, however, we have to realize that a true ecological approach always becomes a social approach; it must integrate questions of justice in debates on the environment, so as to hear both the cry of the earth and the cry of the poor."

Unfortunately, people's sense of a fair share has also been skewed by the pandemic, as folks began hording food and goods in March 2020.  Many unfavorable environmental trends have also come from the pandemic.  More ecologically impactful practices such as an increase in "to go" containers for dining in or carry-out food became the norm at many restaurants. Amazon's one-to-two day shipping was held up as a lifeline to folks who were under stay-at-home orders, ignoring the environmental costs of such frequent deliveries and human costs of warehouse and shipping workers required to bring the goods to us. Likewise, our leadership's decision to provide additional Covid vaccines to our citizens has been likened by World Health Organization's officials to giving a third life jacket to someone with two life jackets while some people go without a single life jacket. 

Clearly, as a country who is consuming and polluting as much as we are, we need to step forward to do our fair share of the work required to care for our common home. "We need to grow in the conviction that a decrease in the pace of production and consumption can at times give rise to another form of progress and development. Efforts to promote a sustainable use of natural resources are not a waste of money . . ." Pope Francis states. We have gotten used to a lifestyle in our country that is not sustainable, and we as a people need to have a change of heart to turn away from the hyper-consumerism that is creating that unsustainability.

What are some things we can do to help change our mindset and work for both human and ecological justice?

1. Use stuff up. This sounds counter-intuitive to the concepts we've been discussing, but what I mean is a "good to the last drop" approach. We are used to purchasing more of or replacing many items before we have to, even relying on subscription services so we need never run out of something. Each year we purchase back-to-school items, many of which are pitched at the end of the year. Maybe we want a new car or a better toothbrush; we covet new items simply due to the novelty or because they fit our collection. We can make an effort to reduce some of those purchases and not replace items before we really need to.

2. Watch out for Tech. Folks who know me know I am somewhat of a technophobe. Setting that aside, new technological products can be pretty environmentally impactful. We also tend to tolerate programmed obsolescence in our technology more so than other items. For instance, if you are older than a millenial, think of your grandparents' phone, that corded one attached to the wall with the curly cord. How long did they have that same phone?  10 years, 20 years? Think of how frequently folks nowadays replace their phone. Cracked screen? Get a new phone. Contract up? Get a new phone. Dropped in the toilet? Get a new phone. Even apps and operating systems are no longer supported on older phones, forcing an upgrade in some cases.

This is one that is probably not going to sound do-able to many folks, but since we are talking about tech, I will throw it out there. We have a family cell phone. 5 people, one phone. How revolutionary of an idea is it that we've decided that each family member must have a phone? Sure, it can be a bit of a nuisance, but with some forethought, it is totally do-able. If you and your spouse can't bear to give up your cell phones, perhaps consider delaying the point in which you get your child a phone or allow them to get a phone. Having a cell phone you carry constantly is rather like carrying the One Ring in the Lord of the Rings. The more you carry it, the more you need to carry it, can't bear not to. Not ready for that? Making some intentional breaks in your day and in your lives to set the electronics aside can be a good baby step.

3. Keep Hope Alive While my friend and I were conversating the other day, I was sharing with her some information from Pope Francis' Laudato Si and how I was feeling compelled to try to live more sustainably. Bashfully, I admitted I hadn't been living in a very ecologically minded way. She told me not to be hard on myself and countered my thoughts with a new concept for me,"the myth of personal responsibility" for environmental care and impact. She explained that businesses with the largest impact actively try to shrug off the environmental impacts of their practices, instead placing the responsibilities of caring for our common home back on the individual person to make small, individual changes. As she put it, marketing companies have literally created guilt in consumers to actively and deliberately deflect from the fact that they are, in fact, the problem.

 This is the approach my generation learned in school growing up, "Remember, kids, to turn off  your faucets while brushing your teeth" or "Unplug your cell phone charger while not in use".While there isn't anything wrong with these practices, our concept of fair share reminds us that those with the largest impacts need to take active responsibility for their actions, as those changes will have the biggest impacts. We can ask companies and our lawmakers to make common sense changes to protect our common home that do not unfairly impact the poor. We also can vote with our wallet when companies espouse practices or beliefs we cannot agree with.

However, there is danger in the despair of giving up, feeling hopeless in the face of environmental degradation. We should not cease in choosing to make the choices we are each able to in order to live more sustainably just because other companies or individuals do not. At a minimum, living in acknowledgement of the impacts of consumerism and our efforts to change the culture for the better can be an example of personal integrity and authenticity. God will be pleased with any of our efforts, large or small, to care for our common home.

First Bath

Daily conflict. Name-calling, power struggles, eye rolling. Drama and Yelling? Yes and Yes. In our case, this isn't Congress or some corporate boardroom undergoing a hostile take-over. No, my two youngest children are learning to negotiate.

So, what are my kids fighting about? What key issues are breaking up the peace of our home? Here's one recent example- who will take the first bath?

My middle son will declare he doesn't want to take his bath now, he wants to be second. So, naturally, my youngest, in awe with him, will also want to be second. Unless he decides he wants to be first. Then of course she wants to be first. Cute, isn't it? I'm of the parenting camp of letting them work it out for themselves unless of course it seems like it will deteriorate to nuclear war, in which I will step in and prevent any actual loss of life and limb. Does my intervention end in sulking or whining? Yes. Do they eventually each get cleaned? Yes. So, I far prefer to leave them to it.

Of course, sibling rivalry is nothing new. It's been around since Cain and Abel. Comforting thought for us parents, right!?! In the span between those ancient times and now, sibling rivalry has become a very  well-documented phenomenon, of course. Most, if not all, siblings go through a period of intense conflict. I remember learning negotiation skills with my own siblings. With us all being 3 to 5 years or more apart in age, I always found I had the most conflict with the siblings adjacent to me in age. I'm the second child, and so I had the most conflict with the third. My younger brother and I in particular had many fights. He and I both recall an intense negotiation about a little electric piano he had and a fake bearskin rug that I had. As he explained it, I wheedled him into a trade, carefully crafting an argument about how awesome my rug was and how little the piano meant to him. He was hoodwinked at the time, but the lifelong lesson probably helped him in a future experience when a used car salesman would try to craft the same argument to separate him from his money. 

Don't get me wrong, leaving my children to argue can be very difficult. For one thing, I am a peace-keeper by nature and a natural born negotiator. But most parents have discovered having to be the constant arbitrator between two warring individuals grows old really quick. Hence, my approach. To make it a less painful and more productive, I've tried to create some ground rules- we call them "rules of engagement" such as warring countries have. There are certain insults that should never be hurled, certain behaviors that should never be done. Crossing those lines leads to not getting your way when I intervene.

It is particularly hard for my son on the Autism Spectrum (ASD) to handle negotiation. Perspective taking and flexibility are some of the most important skills used while negotiation, and they are some of his weakest skills. For my own (nearly constant) negotiation with him, I've also quoted former president Ronald Reagan, "We don't negotiate with terrorists". This means that a certain disposition, a minimum level of human decency, is required to get me to discuss this with you. 

Another helpful tool I use I got from a book I read recently (I believe this was from Jordan Peterson, but I can't recall for sure.) The process is this; the first person is to present their argument. Then, the second person can issue their rebuttal, but only after summarizing the other person's argument to that person's satisfaction. This is clearly an objectivity restorer. Can you imagine what our presidential debates would be like if we required the candidates to use this technique? Talk about a total transformation! I have successfully coached my children through this process multiple times.

Seeing (and hearing) my children squabble certainly isn't a joy. However, these are skills that are essential to learn. Think of this ability in the context of any partnership or even marriage. Issues in negotiation can lead to that stereotypical "taker" whose relationships fail because they always have to get their way or they aren't happy- the "it's my way or the highway" crew. It can also feel taxing to be with a perpetual "giver", who always defers any choices to you, never has an opinion, even about which restaurant to eat at or which color to paint the bathroom. Years later when the marriage dissolves from resentment, only then do we come to find out they hate Thai food and detest the green we chose for the bathroom. Neither type leads to a healthy partnership and both are breeding grounds for resentment.

Beyond personal relationships, compromise is the background of our society. We need to be able to negotiate effectively and ethically to deal with the diverse needs of our nation, even when it is not comfortable to do so. We learn those basic negotiation skills as children and they serve us throughout our lives.

There are some "light at the end of the tunnel" insights for me regarding this topic. First, though my brother and I fought tirelessly against each other in our youth, no resentment remains. We now have a lovely relationship that I value very much. Secondly, my oldest daughter is able to bathe on her own schedule, with no conflict whatsoever. She's also skilled in de-escalating her siblings' fights, and she gracefully navigates the fine line between placating her brother with ASD and challenging him to try ever harder. Lastly, my youngest daughter and my son have recently formed a common bond around the fandom of "Miraculous Adventures of Ladybug and Cat Noir". They are both avid fans and enjoy spending time with each other chatting about various aspects of the show.  I see more positive interactions. Common bonds and common ground are what help us the most when we struggle in negotiation, so I am grateful for this newfound commonality. May we all strive to find that common ground when we are faced with a difficult negotiation, whether it is in our social lives or beyond!

A (Covid) Miracle on Koeln Avenue

 I'm admitting ownership today to one area of shame in my life . . . I am not a good business person. This probably does not seem either to be shocking, especially to those that know me, or particularily shame-provoking. However, each of us as humans can find unique areas where we're prone to shame.

I've only begun thinking about and naming certain shames in my life, although the visceral feelings are of course familiar. What is shame, anyway? Shame is negative feelings or self talk emphasizing who I am, not what I've done. Brene Brown, a shame resilience researcher, calls these negative shame messages the "shame gremlins'"; those messages of "never enough" in our lives. In her book "Daring Greatly: How the Courage to be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent and Lead", Brene describes both shame and shame resilience in depth.

So, how do we turn from shame to shame resilience? It's a simple concept to begin- naming your shame. Secrets and hiding those uncomfortable feelings make the shame stronger; sharing and owning it develops shame resilience and in turn encourages vulnerability. This in turn allows us to live "Wholeheartedly", as Brene Brown puts it. Being who we are, no holds barred, no deceptions, no masks, is the core of wholehearted living.

So, I'm admitting today, I don't have a good business sense. I make fear-based decisions regarding finances, I emotionalize my financial thinking, I procrastinate seemingly indefinitely and I am pretty risk adversive. I don't like fear-based decision making as a rule, but it seems to be my go-to in business. I also don't have a lot of natural aptitude or knowledge about the business or financial world. It's also an area that I feel most vulnerable about- if you want to make me cry, hit me in the pocket book.

Where does my shame about my business sense come from? At some level, as a society, we equate business success with success. When my sister-in-law was growing up, she was playing the game of "Life" with some other Catholic school girls at recess. When questioned about the game by a priest at the school, he responded, "That's not the game of Life, that's secularism." This is the kind of focus on accumulating stuff, then more stuff. The sole marker of success is the amount of stuff you have.

However, when we measure success in non-material terms, we're thinking about all those important and valuable aspects of our lives that aren't part of our finances. We don't need to define our self worth with mere material success. We should have a sense of self worth beyond what our material success provides. Just a belief in our dignity and worth as human beings can help us live our best, wholehearted lives.

That doesn't mean finances aren't important to us, however. While they aren't the only thing, they can have a big impact. For David, my husband, and I, that impact could be framed as more of a big burden, at least emotionally, in the form of a house we left behind in Saint Louis when we moved nearly 9 years ago. At that time, we had been trying to sell our house in Saint Louis for some time. We bought the house when our oldest was a toddler in 2007 and though it was little, it served our family well. We gardened, planted fruit trees, added new flooring, barbequed on the deck, and settled in. By 2012 (and after the loss of my mother), we were ready to move to Colorado to move closer to my family, particularily my widowed father. Since we bought the house before the real estate crash in 2009, we couldn't find a buyer because foreclosures were readily available for purchase throughout our neighborhood. At one point, a larger, newer house up the block from us sold at auction for $10,000. How could we compete with that!  

Finally, we found an arrangement that we thought would work out. We stumbled upon renters who would rent with a contract to buy the house after 4 years. We packed our things and moved to Colorado and ultimately discerned that we would move back to Grand County (both of us had lived here in our youth; this being where we met). A new chapter had begun.

During those 4 years, we lived with very little thought of the house we owned in Saint Louis. After 4 years, we were contacted and told that the tenants were not prepared to purchase at this point. This was a huge blow to us but we discussed it and decided to let them continue to rent while they saved up for the purchase. While this decision wasn't a mistake in itself, we did not set any boundaries (another big area of difficulty for us is boundaries) regarding a future timeline for the purchase and the terms of that purchase. We simply went with a month to month arrangement.

A few years into this loose arrangement, an operator of heavy equipment was tearing down a abandoned, neighboring house in a community revitalization effort.  During that removal, they struck the addition on our house, essentially just the master bedroom, breaking a support post underneath the house. While the company responsible admitted responsibility, they only would pay to repair the broken post and direct damage. Unfortunately, we were told by several contractors that the repair could not be done that way because the posts used to support the house were no longer to code. The entire addition would have to be torn down and rebuilt to remedy the situation and bring the addition up to code. However, that additional work wouldn't be paid for by the insurance company. Some of the quotes for the addition rebuild were more costly than what we owed on the entire house. Only a temporary repair to shore things up could be done. 

However, this arrangement wasn't what the tenants wanted. They still wanted to purchase the house, but not without a full repair. We couldn't afford a full repair.  Then, we procrastinated on decision making. We hired a private adjuster to try to get a larger settlement. We fought with the tenants. Tensions remained high and months would go by with full avoidance on our part. Fear based decision making made even discussing our options feel ugly and un-resolvable.

After fraught discussion and many fits and starts, we offered some of our own money in addition to the settlement money at closing to make up for the fact that the full repair wasn't complete. We were expected to close at the end of September 2019.  On October 1, 2019, we missed the first mortgage payment (of many) and let it slide since we still thought the closing was imminent. We'd check in with the title company every few weeks and were told that there were delays and we'd move forward in a couple weeks. Hope reigns eternal, but in this case, we were simply in denial. In December, it suddenly became clear that the deal was dead. We hired a lawyer to help end the relationship with our tenants and they moved out towards the end of January 2020. 

We had calls and interest from home investment companies, willing to offer us a portion of what we owed. However, since we weren't living in the house, our mortgage company couldn't offer us the ability to do a short sell. We didn't qualify for other programs since we hadn't been living in the home for so long. Again, we couldn't afford to sell the house for what we could get for it. We decided we'd ignore the calls from interested buyers and just wait for the inevitable, a foreclosure which was looming large that spring.

How odd we were! How impoverished in prayer! We prayed for that foreclosure daily. I called the mortgage company begging for it! However, because of the pandemic, foreclosures were forestalled. We were told we'd simply have to wait. 

I was so closed off mentally to any alternatives to the foreclosure. So we sat back and let the pandemic unfold, waiting and longing for the escape that the foreclosure represented. We weren't praying for blessing; we were praying for escape. 

For those of you who have heard of Dave Ramsey or the Financial Peace University, he describes two financial types- the nerd (like me) and the free spirit (like David, my husband). In that free-spirited nature, in January of 2021, David received several calls from an individual from an investment company interested in the house. Unbeknownst to us and surprisingly enough given the general economic conditions, the housing market in Saint Louis was undergoing an upswing. David obtained an offer for around what we owed; including the late fees, escrow deficits and compounded interest from over a year on non-payment! Knowing how closeminded I was about the whole thing, he quietly investigated the possibility and laid it out to me one evening before bed.

On my part, I felt as though the proverbial Pandora's box was just opened on me. I felt naked, raw- vulnerable. "How dare he hope for this?" I thought to myself. We hashed out the details and I begrudgingly admitted that if we signed a contract and the sale fell through, we objectively wouldn't be any worse off. And if it worked, we would have successfully done what both of us had been longing for- we'd be free of this particular worry. I admitted to my fears and I followed his lead- to dare to hope for a blessing- not just an escape. Three weeks later, we signed the closing papers in our car at the bank's drive-through (to get them notarized) and sent them via UPS Express. In 48 hours, we received the notification that all items were funded and a week later, we received notice from the mortgage company that the loan was paid off in full. It was finally done.

So why do I call this blessing a Covid miracle? Certainly, I credit completely Our Lord and Savior in the blessing of this house sale. From my faith background, he is the Source of all that is good, so it makes sense that I credit him with this invaluable gift. A blessing, yes, but a miracle? Why do I say so? Simply put, without the unique circumstances of Covid, the foreclosure would have happened a year earlier. Those months of delays allowed the time to pass that led to the very changes that made this sale possible. That foreclosure would have been the ordinary result to a typical situation.

Of course, I'm not saying that God sent Covid-19 and its weird changes in order to save my house from foreclosure. That idea is entirely self-centered and just plain ridiculous. But, God is willing to enter in the messy places in our lives. God does an amazing thing where he transforms the circumstances surrounding us and he radically alters them to create blessing. He takes manure and from it grows wildflowers. Yes, God can take a sum zero game and turn it into a blessing, as he did in our case with this house sale.

My hope is that this house on Koeln Avenue will be thoroughly rehabbed and that some family starting out will be able to buy it, and all the blessings that it represents will continue to flow through its walls and yard and rooms and lawn and gardens. May the blessings ever continue!

The Performance Anxiety of Motherhood

 "I need to get my act together . . " I've lamented several times a day for the last few weeks. A feeling of angst is displaying itself in my conscious thought- that I am somehow sinking a grade level or two in the self given report-card of life.

Having grown up as a habitually good student, the pleasure I received from getting good grades was palpable, defining, even. However, much as we try to give ourselves grace, I still have the propensity to self-grade. This isn't a solely negative thing, however, and I can use it to recognize and congratulate myself on successes as well as use it to correct areas I think may need changes or attention. I of course, do not assign letter grades. It's more of an internal check- like a weathervane, perhaps, or a series of weathervanes (as a mother of a family of 5, things are probably too complex for just one) to make sure our family is all sailing in the right direction.

Lately, I have been floundering a bit, I admit. It took me a pause of self reflection to identify and name the struggle. What I've been feeling lately is performance anxiety.

It seems almost laughable that someone might have performance anxiety over the mundane- usually we hear of it for people in high pressure jobs like air traffic controllers or NFL quarterbacks. Motherhood, on the outside, especially if we believe the thoughts of those who denegrate it, isn't supposed to be a high stress job. All lollipops and cupcakes; unicorns and rainbows. Bliss, unmitigated bliss, people.

However, this angst of motherhood is not specific to me. In her book "Ordinary Insanity: Fear and the Silent Crisis of Motherhood in America", Sarah Menkedick estimates that those with perinatal (before and after birth) mood disorders have grown more common and may affect nearly half of all women, though many are subclinical. While I don't agree with all the conclusions Menkedick reaches, the book is filled with overwhelming evidence that mental health issues among perinatal women are increasing, and their own stories are breathtaking. The prevailing issue striking women today? Anxiety. Additionally, many women who encounter anxiety or depression during pregnancy or post-partum may continue to struggle with it for years, as it gets woven into the very fabric of their motherhood.

Mendedick states, "Hypersensitivity to risk is the dominant characteristic of what German sociologist Uhrich Beck called a "risk society".  In a risk society, the predominant dogma is an intolerance of risk, even risks that are very small; particularly as we have developed a society more and more technical and complex, where advancements end up becoming dangers that can't be predicted or controlled.

This phenomena is nowhere more evident than in motherhood. Now, women increasingly feel that it is their job to eliminate all risks to their families. "Mothers enter a zone in which risk is the sole framework of their lives, every risk is peak, and each one equally, imminently possible. Choking. Drowning. Falling. SIDS. Strangulation. Dog Attack. Allergic Reaction. Food Poisoning. Infection. These are feelings as much as they are risks and the feeling is a terror of harm to one's child. What matters is the mere possibility, not the probability," Menkedick states.

Couple that impossible task of insuring family safety to the fact that in our troubled times (AKA COVID 19, coronavirus, the rona, pandemic . . . cue music from corporate ads), risk mitigation has escalated to unforeseen levels. People are bathing their groceries and some unlucky souls have poisoned themselves drinking hand sanitizer. My friend mentioned fears for her husband who was going to the post office. One night last month, I woke up in a panic that I had Covid 19. Why? I was hot. I woke up hot so I was sure I was feverish (I wasn't).

Why do I mention performance anxiety specifically, rather than just anxiety? It may be due to the fact that currently, privacy is deemed increasingly less important, less valued than it used to be. It seems like we are in a spotlight as mothers; we may feel like nearly every decision we make is scrutinized by our doctors, friends, acquaintances and even just the general public. Motherhood also frequently gets played out in the social media world, where sharks patrol the waters and vilify those who are making choices contrary to their own. 

Add the additional factor that decisions right now feel like a catch 22- no good options, no clearly better options arise. Think about the enormous amount of rhetoric surrounding sending kids back to school this fall. Some akin the decision to return to in-classroom teaching to sending your precious child to their death. Others focus on the dangers to society of children congregating, especially with how difficult it may be to enforce the rules around social distancing with younger children. Those on the other side of the debate will remind you of the social emotional needs of the child and fears mount that if you delay a return to in-person school (AKA normalcy), you may be scarring that young person for life or increasing their own chances of anxiety, depression or even suicide. None of those are exactly pleasant options. However, a choice has to be made.

The truth is, each of these points are valid. No decision right now is a no-brainer with life and death hanging in the balance. Many parents are just looking to have their choices validated, supported, by asking "What would you do?" In this questioning, what we really are asking for is unobtainable- a guarantee that the choice we make is the right one. Life has no such guarantees. It will always be filled with judgement calls, with risks, with a bit of a gamble.

There is a lot to be concerned about right now. What are some ways we can shift the focus? Here are some suggestions:

1. Decide what you have some control over and work on being ok with our inability to control the other things. You may have older parents who are still independent that have decided that they are not going to social distance or wear a mask and you are terrified for their lives. Your child may have touched (licked) something in a public place that you know is covered in germs. You can't control everything (and you don't even want to try!), so practice deciding to let some things go.

2. Find your blue flame. I became familiar the the phrase "blue flame" while reading Jennifer Fulwiler's book "One Beautiful Dream". In short, your blue flame is something that you are passionate about. Nothing is more healing than creating something or participating in a new interest.

3. Make your choices, and then be at peace. This concept is one I learned from a slim but life changing book called "Searching for and Maintaining Peace, " by Father Jacques Philippe. The basic principle is to set aside the second guessing and constant obsessing that we may have after we've made a decision. Unless there is new information we haven't considered, we don't have to go through the mental acrobats involved in that decision again. Good or bad, the decision is done and we can be at peace with it through conscious effort.

4. Care of the whole individual. Physical, Mental, Emotional and Spiritual wellbeing are all part of our personhood. Each part of the person is indispensable and therefore, needs for that realm should not be forgotten. The enjoyment we get from social interactions, dining out, attending church and school, hanging out with friends, doing activities together or just being physically present to another feeds our wellbeing in ways that should not be minimized or forgotten. Should precautions be taken? Of course. But we cannot wait until things are perfectly physically safe to attend to those other important needs or we choose to live impoverished lives. If you are unsure where to begin, try something new: a walk with a close friend, forest bathing, a return (or first try) to church or prayer life, meditation, a trip to the park or beach, hiking, gardening, making or enjoying art. These soul-enriching activities are nearly limitless and can add much wellbeing, which which will lead to health of the whole person.

5. Recognize when self help is not enough. When I was a brand new mother, I began suffering from what I assumed was post partum depression. After reading more descriptions later on, I feel a diagnosis of post partum OCD was more appropriate. I would have an intrusive thought of something terrible happening to my baby. The thought would be so graphic and realistic that it was terrifying. I would instantly feel distress and shame for the thought and immediately try to push it out of my conscious, which led to a battle with my own thinking, happening again and again. I began to be terrified to be at home alone with my baby. I'd pack my daughter in her stroller and leave the house in the mornings my husband was working, and spend the day between Target, the library and a restaurant, trying to prolong the time until my husband got home in mid afternoon. While this was a coping strategy, it wasn't entirely healthy and I reached out to my OB GYN who was, blessedly, able to direct me to a therapist and prescribe antidepressants. Also, a good friend invited me to a local La Leche League meeting, where I felt supported and empowered as a mom. I would continue to attend that same meeting for years and feel like it was an essential part of my growth as a mother as well as my mental healing. I was lucky that I had a kind and helpful husband, a knowledgeable doctor, an empathetic therapist and a circle of women who helped me through my illness. I was able to learn to examine the thoughts, recognizing that they did not have any power over the situation, and choose to move on rather than pushing them out of my head. I did get better and I luckily have avoided any further bouts with depression and anxiety. Mental health resources are available to help. You don't have to struggle alone. You wouldn't try to fix your own broken leg. Mental health care can really make a difference to your overall health and wellbeing over the course of your lifetime.