The Performance Anxiety of Motherhood

 "I need to get my act together . . " I've lamented several times a day for the last few weeks. A feeling of angst is displaying itself in my conscious thought- that I am somehow sinking a grade level or two in the self given report-card of life.

Having grown up as a habitually good student, the pleasure I received from getting good grades was palpable, defining, even. However, much as we try to give ourselves grace, I still have the propensity to self-grade. This isn't a solely negative thing, however, and I can use it to recognize and congratulate myself on successes as well as use it to correct areas I think may need changes or attention. I of course, do not assign letter grades. It's more of an internal check- like a weathervane, perhaps, or a series of weathervanes (as a mother of a family of 5, things are probably too complex for just one) to make sure our family is all sailing in the right direction.

Lately, I have been floundering a bit, I admit. It took me a pause of self reflection to identify and name the struggle. What I've been feeling lately is performance anxiety.

It seems almost laughable that someone might have performance anxiety over the mundane- usually we hear of it for people in high pressure jobs like air traffic controllers or NFL quarterbacks. Motherhood, on the outside, especially if we believe the thoughts of those who denegrate it, isn't supposed to be a high stress job. All lollipops and cupcakes; unicorns and rainbows. Bliss, unmitigated bliss, people.

However, this angst of motherhood is not specific to me. In her book "Ordinary Insanity: Fear and the Silent Crisis of Motherhood in America", Sarah Menkedick estimates that those with perinatal (before and after birth) mood disorders have grown more common and may affect nearly half of all women, though many are subclinical. While I don't agree with all the conclusions Menkedick reaches, the book is filled with overwhelming evidence that mental health issues among perinatal women are increasing, and their own stories are breathtaking. The prevailing issue striking women today? Anxiety. Additionally, many women who encounter anxiety or depression during pregnancy or post-partum may continue to struggle with it for years, as it gets woven into the very fabric of their motherhood.

Mendedick states, "Hypersensitivity to risk is the dominant characteristic of what German sociologist Uhrich Beck called a "risk society".  In a risk society, the predominant dogma is an intolerance of risk, even risks that are very small; particularly as we have developed a society more and more technical and complex, where advancements end up becoming dangers that can't be predicted or controlled.

This phenomena is nowhere more evident than in motherhood. Now, women increasingly feel that it is their job to eliminate all risks to their families. "Mothers enter a zone in which risk is the sole framework of their lives, every risk is peak, and each one equally, imminently possible. Choking. Drowning. Falling. SIDS. Strangulation. Dog Attack. Allergic Reaction. Food Poisoning. Infection. These are feelings as much as they are risks and the feeling is a terror of harm to one's child. What matters is the mere possibility, not the probability," Menkedick states.

Couple that impossible task of insuring family safety to the fact that in our troubled times (AKA COVID 19, coronavirus, the rona, pandemic . . . cue music from corporate ads), risk mitigation has escalated to unforeseen levels. People are bathing their groceries and some unlucky souls have poisoned themselves drinking hand sanitizer. My friend mentioned fears for her husband who was going to the post office. One night last month, I woke up in a panic that I had Covid 19. Why? I was hot. I woke up hot so I was sure I was feverish (I wasn't).

Why do I mention performance anxiety specifically, rather than just anxiety? It may be due to the fact that currently, privacy is deemed increasingly less important, less valued than it used to be. It seems like we are in a spotlight as mothers; we may feel like nearly every decision we make is scrutinized by our doctors, friends, acquaintances and even just the general public. Motherhood also frequently gets played out in the social media world, where sharks patrol the waters and vilify those who are making choices contrary to their own. 

Add the additional factor that decisions right now feel like a catch 22- no good options, no clearly better options arise. Think about the enormous amount of rhetoric surrounding sending kids back to school this fall. Some akin the decision to return to in-classroom teaching to sending your precious child to their death. Others focus on the dangers to society of children congregating, especially with how difficult it may be to enforce the rules around social distancing with younger children. Those on the other side of the debate will remind you of the social emotional needs of the child and fears mount that if you delay a return to in-person school (AKA normalcy), you may be scarring that young person for life or increasing their own chances of anxiety, depression or even suicide. None of those are exactly pleasant options. However, a choice has to be made.

The truth is, each of these points are valid. No decision right now is a no-brainer with life and death hanging in the balance. Many parents are just looking to have their choices validated, supported, by asking "What would you do?" In this questioning, what we really are asking for is unobtainable- a guarantee that the choice we make is the right one. Life has no such guarantees. It will always be filled with judgement calls, with risks, with a bit of a gamble.

There is a lot to be concerned about right now. What are some ways we can shift the focus? Here are some suggestions:

1. Decide what you have some control over and work on being ok with our inability to control the other things. You may have older parents who are still independent that have decided that they are not going to social distance or wear a mask and you are terrified for their lives. Your child may have touched (licked) something in a public place that you know is covered in germs. You can't control everything (and you don't even want to try!), so practice deciding to let some things go.

2. Find your blue flame. I became familiar the the phrase "blue flame" while reading Jennifer Fulwiler's book "One Beautiful Dream". In short, your blue flame is something that you are passionate about. Nothing is more healing than creating something or participating in a new interest.

3. Make your choices, and then be at peace. This concept is one I learned from a slim but life changing book called "Searching for and Maintaining Peace, " by Father Jacques Philippe. The basic principle is to set aside the second guessing and constant obsessing that we may have after we've made a decision. Unless there is new information we haven't considered, we don't have to go through the mental acrobats involved in that decision again. Good or bad, the decision is done and we can be at peace with it through conscious effort.

4. Care of the whole individual. Physical, Mental, Emotional and Spiritual wellbeing are all part of our personhood. Each part of the person is indispensable and therefore, needs for that realm should not be forgotten. The enjoyment we get from social interactions, dining out, attending church and school, hanging out with friends, doing activities together or just being physically present to another feeds our wellbeing in ways that should not be minimized or forgotten. Should precautions be taken? Of course. But we cannot wait until things are perfectly physically safe to attend to those other important needs or we choose to live impoverished lives. If you are unsure where to begin, try something new: a walk with a close friend, forest bathing, a return (or first try) to church or prayer life, meditation, a trip to the park or beach, hiking, gardening, making or enjoying art. These soul-enriching activities are nearly limitless and can add much wellbeing, which which will lead to health of the whole person.

5. Recognize when self help is not enough. When I was a brand new mother, I began suffering from what I assumed was post partum depression. After reading more descriptions later on, I feel a diagnosis of post partum OCD was more appropriate. I would have an intrusive thought of something terrible happening to my baby. The thought would be so graphic and realistic that it was terrifying. I would instantly feel distress and shame for the thought and immediately try to push it out of my conscious, which led to a battle with my own thinking, happening again and again. I began to be terrified to be at home alone with my baby. I'd pack my daughter in her stroller and leave the house in the mornings my husband was working, and spend the day between Target, the library and a restaurant, trying to prolong the time until my husband got home in mid afternoon. While this was a coping strategy, it wasn't entirely healthy and I reached out to my OB GYN who was, blessedly, able to direct me to a therapist and prescribe antidepressants. Also, a good friend invited me to a local La Leche League meeting, where I felt supported and empowered as a mom. I would continue to attend that same meeting for years and feel like it was an essential part of my growth as a mother as well as my mental healing. I was lucky that I had a kind and helpful husband, a knowledgeable doctor, an empathetic therapist and a circle of women who helped me through my illness. I was able to learn to examine the thoughts, recognizing that they did not have any power over the situation, and choose to move on rather than pushing them out of my head. I did get better and I luckily have avoided any further bouts with depression and anxiety. Mental health resources are available to help. You don't have to struggle alone. You wouldn't try to fix your own broken leg. Mental health care can really make a difference to your overall health and wellbeing over the course of your lifetime. 

The Age of Disinformation

"There's a war going on for your mind," begins the like titled Flobots song, sung by a rap rock band in 2007. The Flobots wrote and sang songs heavily immersed in social justice. Even though I haven't listened to the song for nearly a decade until just yesterday, it has, regardless, stuck in my mind. Right now, it is so very apt.

We live in an era of disinformation. While we've all heard of misinformation, disinformation is a newer term, with a connotation of false or deliberately misleading information. The difference meaning that the prefix "mis" means ill or mistaken, while "dis" as a Latin root has a negative or reversing force. So, we begin to talk about something that is the opposite of information, the opposite of truth, with this word.

I got into an internet debate last weekend. Well, more of a skirmish, actually. I'll save you the grueling details, but it regarded two notorious presidential candidates from 2016, Donald Trump and Hilary Clinton. When I explained that my choice that year felt like a choice between Stalin and Mussolini, I was met with the argument that I should have considered it as Stalin verses Eleanor Roosevelt, the implication being that the media had distorted the truth. This got me thinking about truth and information in an age when news sources on both sides of the political spectrum are more slanted than ever before. Later, I was talking to my colleague, and she made a similar comment about Trump, that she doesn't believe anything the media says about him. That she doesn't believe anything the media says, period.

So, we have two intelligent people, at the polar opposite ends of the political spectrum, and in their own ways, I believe they both recognize a larger issue; the issue of the prevalence of disinformation. I am sure there have been both lies and truth published by media sources about both of those two politicians. I'm not here to argue which side of the media is more biased or more correct. I'm saying that all this disinformation out there is making it more and more difficult for the American people to use logic and discernment in their decision making processes, which in turn is a detrement to our democracy.

This plethora of disinformation is ironic, because we live in the information age. We rely on media more than ever before, and we spend hours every day sifting through information. Most people I know express some form of that same point, that some (or most) of the information out there can't be trusted. In fact, logically, if we have two opposing reports on the same information, logic prevents both from being entirely true. And with the increasing polarization of politics, it stops being about pursuing the truth. It becomes about which version is more popular or acceptable to believe.

What does that mean for the truth? Some may say that there is no more truth. Everything is relative to that person's perspective. For my Christian readers, we know that Christ said, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. So, if Christ = truth, then the truth must be worth pursuing, despite the difficulties. Or to quote a tag line from the hit show, The X Files, "the truth is out there".

So, how can we know truth? It can be difficult to know that anything, without a shadow of a doubt., outside our immediate experience is true. However, rational people depend on natural faith, not a religious term here, but simply a word portraying that we trust our senses and the laws of nature (gravity still exists, we can have faith that we won't fall up when we get out of bed in the morning). We can trust that our electricity will stay on as long as we continue to pay our bill; we trust that the barista at Starbucks won't poison our beverage. Without this type of faith, life would descend into madness; we would no longer be able to function as rational human beings. This type of faith can aid us when we talk about pursuing the truth because it reminds us that there is reason; there is rational thought.

When we are actively pursuing the truth (and hopefully we all are), we should examine certain things:

1. What are our inherent biases? I was raised to be very conservative, more conservative that I am now. There are articles in the media out there that I have a knee jerk reaction to, not because they don't contain truth but because of how they are written, the language they use does not jive with my cultural context. Everyone in this life has inherent biases, but examining our hearts while reading will help us to see past them. Bishop Robert Barron wrote in his Daily Gospel reflection (June 11, 2020) that, "Jesus urges his listeners to change their way of knowing, their way of perceiving and grasping reality, their mode of seeing." In a way, throughout our whole life, we are called to take our own blinders off first.

2. What are the biases we see in media? Sometimes it is a matter of tone. Sometimes it is blatant misinformation. Regardless, if we see falsehood, even falsehood in something we would ordinarily support, we can cast it aside. Be not afraid in your defense of the truth.

3. Assume Benevolence, not Malevolence. Benevolence is defined as the quality of being well meaning. Its opposite, Malevolence, a lesser known term, means to be filled with ill will. Malevolence means actually wanting bad things to happen to another, to a group, etc. Most of the time, we can assume that the human beings we are interacting with, even though we may hold different views, are benevolent. They want a good world, too. So, we can start at the ground floor- they want good for our world; I want good for our world. Where can we reach an understanding?

4. Read in humility. Realize your limitations; areas you don't know much about. Realize the limitations of your experience. Realize the limitations of Humankind, as well. The sooner we realize that we don't have everything figured out, the sooner we can be open to more opportunities for learning. Sometimes, what we may think may hold some truth in it, but sometimes our own blindness can cause us to miss opportunities for growth for ourselves and for others. We might be dismissive of an issue that someone else is clearly struggling with, because it doesn't affect us directly. We may not see the possible unintended consequences. For instance, a blight ordinance aimed at cleaning up an area may seem great to folks with concerns about property values , but could cause unexpected, negative consequences for impoverished families who don't have the money to get a vehicle repaired or to tow away a broken appliance. And we, as a whole, may assume something is true until new information turns up that shows it is erroneous. Case in point, my grandma spent much of her life eating margarine because it was healthier than butter. In my children's school, this concept is called having a growth mindset. It actually starts with humility, our realization that we, and those around us, don't know everything and that there are probably important points we're missing.

5. Step outside your comfort zone. Many people who are on the far ends of the political perspective may choose only to partake in particular media from which they shape all their views. This can lead to challenges such as furthering confirmation biases. It can also lead to the inability to discuss, interact, debate or even understand someone or an issue from "the other side" of the divide. This creates a larger chasm between us. I've recently discussed that divide in my blog, titled, "The Culture of Contempt", but with any division, we are all called to love our brothers and sisters, even those we differ greatly from. What if instead of treating others, especially those on social media, as someone to be convinced, dominated or silenced for holding an opposing viewpoint, what if we held in mind their humanity first and foremost? What if we returned to civil discourse? What if we got to know people better, and therefore understood their perspectives better?

6. If you pray, pray for the spiritual gifts of knowledge, wisdom and understanding. My daughter likes to say, "Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit, wisdom is understanding you don't add one to a fruit salad." When we feel lost on a topic, or in a discussion or while reading an article, pausing and asking others what they think may be a good step. Pausing and praying to have the right words to explain ourselves and not to be misunderstood is also very apt.

Remember, the truth is out there. And, it's worth pursuing.

3 Things We Should Keep Around From The Pandemic (And 3 Things We Should Pitch . . .)

Colorado Governor Jared Polis announced during his press conference yesterday that after Colorado's Stay at Home orders end April 26th, some restrictions related to Covid-19 would be gradually lifted. Many welcome a feeling of a light at the end of the tunnel, others are gripped in fear at the change, and others state we should never return to normal, that our old normal was deeply flawed and this is our chance to reinvent ourselves. This is a good time, as we can see a slow path forward through the global pandemic, to reflect on some of the good and bad things we've seen in our society through the lens of this pandemic- things we should keep and things we should indeed purge.

3 Things We Should Keep:

1. More time together as a family/ free time as a result of diminished busy-ness: Although some of our time together was angst filled and some was filled with squabbling, I witnessed my children turning towards each other for companionship not previously seen in our home. More opportunities for family games, family walks, and dialogue around family dinners was a silver lining of the Stay at Home orders seen around our home, and I've heard from others that they witnessed the same. Let's continue to value the time spent together with those in our household and try not to overfill our schedules when we are able resume more activities. for

For those without a family at home, many found peace in extra time to be creative, extra time to pray, or even in extra time to just be quiet with one's thoughts. On the other hand, many essential workers did not experience any downtime at all. Hopefully as a society, we will grow to value more unscheduled time and I hope our essential workers will get a lull in turn.

2. Care for our community: We're calling and checking on each other. We're volunteering our time and donating goods. We're sewing each other masks and we're wearing them; not to protect ourselves, but to protect others. We're sacrificing for the common good! We're coming together virtually for prayers and fasting. We are working on new solutions to help the most vulnerable in our society, such as additional housing for homeless individuals. Let us continue to show this level of concern for our community and our world as we go forward!

3. More involvement in our children's education: Whether we liked it or not, most parents in our country were forced by circumstances to begin some sort of homeschooling. Through this, we became more aware of a couple of things. Firstly, the care and compassion of our children's teachers and learning teams, and their skills and neuroplasticity are remarkable! Secondly, we can teach our children new things- whether it is a quick life lesson in cooking or laundry or a more in-depth philosophical discussion with our teens, we remember again that we can teach our children. Let us remember to teach our children what we value, who they are, our cultural heritage, love of nature, and anything else we want to be our family's legacy.

3 Things We Should Purge:

1. Constant Updating: Sure, information can be a good thing. However, our information overload, with constant new messaging from news, social media, phones, email inbox, et al began to feel to many like a big part of the problem. So much information to sift through! Add to this the battle between conflicting information, disinformation and, understandably, overuse of media to fill our time. In guides from my workplace sent out to help employees cope with Covid 19, measures such as limiting social media usage and ensuring adequate sleep were encouraged. Common sense, but how easy to forget! These simple mental health protections will bolster our overall health in turn.  Going forward, it would be good if we could recognize the need for more balance in this realm.

2. Distrust: How much do we distrust our fellow man? How much do we distrust our government? Our President? Corporate America? How much do we distrust the scientists at work looking for solutions? At one point or another, I've seen posts focused on distrust regarding all of these factors! One of these entities is the villain of the pandemic! You've seen the posts on conspiracy theories: the CDC is recording all deaths as Covid-19, this political party is hell bent on destroying XYZ, and the other is hell bent on the opposite.

I am not normally a paranoid person. But I will admit, there was one time or another during the pandemic that my fears made some of these concepts seem plausible. As the government restricted our movement, I was assailed  with  thoughts of Star Wars: Episode 2- where Senator Palpatine gets the powers granted to him that allow him to become Emperor ultimately. I've always been one in the line of thinking of Benjamin Franklin's famous quote:

“Those who would give up essential liberty to purchase a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety.”

These losses of liberty are considered a selfish, minor concern by some, to others they represent everything that is wrong with the current situation. 

Either way, we can begin to put those fears behind us as liberties are returned to us bit by bit. Our leaders, we can continue to pray, are working hard to provide measures that will allow us to slow the spread of the pandemic in ways that we can live with for a while. I

We can also be trustworthy to others in our society by following the continuing recommendations for mask wearing and increased hand washing. Following the laws and guidelines as they unfold also demonstrates to our kids that we should obey the laws of the land even when we find them unpalatable.

3. Toxic Levels of Fear and Stress: So many are living in fear. Fear is a normal and natural reaction to this pandemic. However, fears are behind the scapegoating that causes us to blame the pandemic on foreigners, blame the spread on idiots who aren't following the rules, blame the deaths of elderly folks on foolish young people, and blame politicians for various and sundry things. In reality, this pandemic should be a reminder that we don't have the power to control everything, especially how this pandemic unfolds. The government can't keep everyone safe from everything. It's simply outside of their scope!

We know that fear feeds stress. Stress leads to long term health consequences like high blood pressure and cardiovascular disease. Fear based decision making is problematic at best.  Trying to let go of some of the fear, and using common sense to help us let go of those things that are low risk and focus on reducing our overall risks can help us protect ourselves from toxic levels of stress and fears. 

 

Alternate Routes

I admit it. My own patterns of thinking lead to an inflexibility at times. I think we all have been plagued by this kind of inflexibility right now, when life continues, but is not going according to plan. Many of us are suddenly dealing with major life changes: unexpected homeschooling, working from home, laid off,  struggling to provide care for our children while simultaneously working, ect. In addition, we don't have any control about how long or in what ways we will be affected by this virus ravaging our world and spreading fear, strife and sorrow among us.

In light of that inflexibility of thinking, a lot of us are mourning a loss of normalcy. Then slowly, we realize that we can adapt to the changes as they come. 

In one way, that inflexibility was plaguing me in regards to worship- I spoke of my feelings of mourning regarding the temporary loss of the public mass, and subsequently of the longing for the Eucharist in my most recent blog. I was discussing these changes with my brother, a family man and former seminarian who is a great resource for both common sense and theology.

I discussed my feelings of loss and frustration; he had some insights. Firstly, this virus has caused evil in our times. We can recognize that.  Through this evil time, we most certainly need guidance! We are called to be obedient to the leaders of our churches and trust them to guide us in these difficult times. We are blessed with these leaders: priests who can offer us the sacraments, and in other religions, ministers, rabbis and faith leaders who can direct us. While we wait to be more fully engaged in our faith communities, let us not forget to support them financially as their vital work needs to continue now more than ever.

We can also recognize the great blessings we have in our current culture and situation, in which we are able to worship freely and have little fear of persecution or interference. Many times and places in the past and present, it is not so. This regular blessing of readily available masses and the Eucharist is amazing and wonderful, but it hasn't always been so. 

My brother shared the story of Saint Mary of Egypt. She left home at the age of 12, fled to Alexandrea, and led a life of public prostitution. After a time, she became a seductress and began to attempt to seduce Christians on Pilgrimage. Following these Christians on the occasion of the "Feast of Exaltation of the Cross", she attempted to enter the church but was physically unable despite several attempts. She retired to a corner of the churchyard, in which stood a statue of the Blessed Virgin Mary. She was filled with remorse, and besought Our Lady for help. In humility, she once again tried to enter, and now was able. She then discerned through prayer that she should depart across the River Jordan. The following day, she received her first Holy Communion in the Church of Saint John the Baptist and then departed into the wilderness of the desert, where she lived absolutely alone for 47 years! Then, Saint Zosinus, a priest and monk, came to the same desert for the entirety of lent in the custom of his order. Saint Zosinus met and befriended Saint Mary and promised to bring the Holy Eucharist to her the following year. They met again only one more time that next year, when she again received the Holy Eucharist, and then she passed from this world. When he returned the following year, he found she had passed away and buried her. 

Only twice in her life was this Saint able to receive communion! Yet, God found other ways to continue to bless her and help her continue her journey of faith. The important point is that God works in any circumstances to bring us an abundance of grace, bringing us to him through a variety of paths, sending us grace in a variety of ways! While we are stuck in our inflexibility, God's whole kingdom, each action, is amazingly supple and able to reach into any circumstances.

What are some actions we can take to actively participate in receiving His grace? How can we do our part to be open to his blessings? One thing that my brother suggested as an area of great opportunity was increasing our devotion to the Sacrament of Reconciliation, which as of now, is still readily available. The Sacrament of Reconciliation, commonly known as confession, is a vital, but sometimes under-utilized sacrament for the forgiveness of sins. It is also tremendously powerful as an avenue to receive grace.

Perhaps if you are not a Catholic Christian reading this, you might wonder, what about me? In fact, a Christian friend of mine recently asked me this very question- if Non-Catholics could go to confession? Firstly, a priest is a wonderful resource for the greater good, and can (and usually quite gladly and eagerly) listen to you and discuss any problems or challenges any person might be facing and offer spiritual guidance to anyone, regardless of their religion. 

All sacraments go together in God's plan for us. When we go to confession, we ask God to receive us back into the Sacramental Life. Therefore, a priest wouldn't be able to offer absolution to someone who isn't yet in the Catholic Church, in the absence of the other sacraments. Does this mean that God's forgiveness and grace aren't available? Of course not!! The gift of the Sacrament of Reconciliation is valuable, but God gives graces through many other avenues as well. If someone desires forgiveness, the Word tells us to confess our sins to another. At the most basic level, this starts with admitting our wrongs to the one we've wronged and repairing that bond. This helps our families, our friendships, and humanity as a whole- being humble enough to ask for forgiveness. How simple, yet how amazing! And giving of forgiveness is a life giving, loving act as well! Of course, we can also ask God for forgiveness directly. In his infinite mercy, I'm sure our fervent requests will be heard regardless of format.

Another opportunity to engage with God is reading Sacred Scripture. Thanks to the printing press, literacy and even the internet, God's Holy Word is more accessible now than ever! There are also many books, videos and resources available to help us understand scripture, which can be challenging even to those familiar with it. Oh, and you can also call a priest or other religious leader. They study the Scriptures for years!

If course, we can't forget to focus on prayer! It is our way to Him who leads us. No matter what your prayer life looks like, or how it starts . . "Our Father" "Hail Mary" "Heavenly Father" "Father God" , this time should remind us to focus on our prayer life.

We will return to "normal" life again. Perhaps it will be altered; for some more than others. But until we do, let us be ever watchful for those unexpected blessings. Let us focus our eyes on the gifts of neighbors helping neighbors, the gifts of the courage of medical workers, the gifts of more time and less busyness, and the gifts of family and life and joy.

APA citation. MacRory, J. (1910). St. Mary of Egypt. In The Catholic Encyclopedia. New York: Robert Appleton Company. Retrieved March 22, 2020 from New Advent: http://www.newadvent.org/cathen/09763a.htm

Missing Mass . . .

I can't remember the last time I missed Mass on a Sunday. I am not saying this in a bragging way or to show how "holy" I am. I am saying this to demonstrate how integral mass is to myself and many other Catholic Christians. For the devout, it is part of our week and our most important prayer. Through it, our souls are fed and strengthened. It is key to our ongoing mission.

I am not writing this to voice dissent about the Colorado Archbishops' decision. Archbishop Samuel Aquila spoke well in his video explaining the Church's decision in Colorado. He explained that we are practicing charity and prudence by trying flatten the curve, slowing the spread of this disease. As a member of their flock, I respect and will follow their decisions. However, this is still a great blow for us- a cross to bear. I will endeavour to explain some concerns that I have as well as some things that give me hope.

1. Fear spreads fear- I know we why we are doing what we are in our country right now, but it is easy to see how much fear is on the rise. Fear itself is natural, but left unchecked, it can grow in society until people begin to act irrationally. Each new closure and change, rather than leading to rational thoughts and decisions, leads to ramping up our fears. Fear can prevent us from doing what we should. It can prevent us from being faithful. This is why the Bible has the phrase "Be not Afraid" more than any other phrase.

2. Spiritual health is not less important than Physical health. Living out our sacramental life is key to our Spiritual health, which is vital to our lives on earth as well as our eternal lives. While missing mass in this circumstance is not a sin, it doesn't help people live out their sacramental life and get spiritual food for the tough journey ahead.

3. Stopping the public mass sets a bad precedent. I am concerned that now we have made this decision, it will be a slippery slope with each new scare until It is a commonplace occurrence. It also sets a bad precedent for our children who may not see the rational reasons why closures are happening and think that mass attendance isn't important since we are willing to forego it. This is especially true to children who are too young to see the evidence of the pandemic.

Things that give me great hope:

1. The mass continues. Even though we aren't able to attend, our priests and religious will continue to offer mass and prayers for us. Private masses for funerals and weddings may still be available, depending on the the local parish.

2. While technological methods of gathering as a flock is a sorry substitute to actually gathering- we are after all a gregarious species- it is still an option to most of our parishioners.

3. As of right now, we can still go into our churches. Just to sit with the Lord in silence will be a great blessing for many. We can offer our grief and our struggles to the Lord. We can still praise his Holy name.

4.  The Archbishop reassures us that the sacraments are still readily available. So, please, if you need anointing of the sick, contact your local parish. If you need to go to confession, also call your parish office to arrange a time. Your local priest will be extremely willing to work with you to help with your spiritual needs at this time!

5. Life is hard. This time is hard, but it isn't the first time humanity has faced a pandemic or other catastrophe (see these very apt words written by CS Lewis) The Lord will be with us during our struggles and isn't held back from blessing us and acting in our lives because of our current circumstances. Keep praying for and helping one another!

Giving it up . . .

Again, we are reaching the time of year where we begin the season of Lent. This season is one of repentance, which means "turning back". When mistakes are made, repentance is in the grace required to turn to our loved ones with  "I'm Sorry" or "You were right" or even simply, "Peace".

Some of the disciplines we Catholics focus on this time of year are fasting, abstinence from meat, and almsgiving. Frequently, a Catholic may choose an item they will fast from or give up during Lent. Abstinence from meat is expected on Fridays during Lent as well as Ash Wednesday. Fasting is expected on Ash Wednesday and Good Friday for Catholics 18-59 years of age and eating less food less frequently is the aim of this practice. Almsgiving is the practice of giving additional offerings, typically financial or acts of service, and usually for the aid of the most poverty stricken or vulnerable members of humanity. While some criticize these practices as old fashioned, they are still more relevant than ever.  But what is the point of these ancient practices?

There are a lot of ways these three practices are valuable. At its core, almsgiving is a life giving practice because we provide money for food and shelter to people who need it most through programs such as "Operation Rice Bowl" and "Catholic Relief Services". Abstaining from meat as well as fasting can be part of this life-giving practice as well, as the original concept of "Operation Rice Bowl" was to take the money not spent on those food and beverage items and give it to the poor. So, the utilization of the resources that I would otherwise consume myself is now given to others, doing good to those who need it most.

Other than the simple giving aspect of these practices, I believe there is something else powerful going on. These 3 practices all involve discipline. Say, for instance, I decide I will not eat chocolate during Lent (for the record, I would never do something so challenging, LOL!). I now have the opportunity to ask the Lord for help in overcoming temptation. If I fail, I have the opportunity to try again and recognize God's mercy and abundance of love for my stumbling self. In the times I do succeed, I realize I can control myself. I can control my appetites. I grow in virtue and my connection with the Lord grows as I rely on his help to battle temptations. I can say "No" to myself; I can defer enjoyment. I don't have to live "in my stomach" or "in my emotions".

Wait! Why is being able to deny myself or my wants or even needs an important skill to have? Aren't my wants or needs important? Is there something wrong with me enjoying myself?

The answer lies in the circumstances, and requires discernment. Certainly, your wants and needs, and meeting those, can be important and valuable. Self care is important! But living in a family, we can certainly recognize that there are times that someone else's wants and needs trump my own. I may need time out with my girlfriends, but my daughter needs to go to the doctor more! I may want to spend money on new furnishings, but my husband may need the money for his medications more. Being able to weigh the needs and the wants of the whole family, and strike a balance, is key to the well-being of the family. When it doesn't happen appropriately, strife and conflict ensue. Think of couples going through a divorce- how frequently an imbalance in wants and needs between the partners is at the core of the root problem!

Then there are times that my wants or needs are outright destructive. Think of a parent battling alcoholism. Their entire family has gathered for an intervention. Health has deteriorated. Childcare needs are not being met. The parent knows and admits they have a problem with drinking, but they can't control it. My point is not that this individual should do such and such, have more discipline, etc. There are many different paths for helping this individual (Rehab, AA, Celebrate Recovery, etc). My point is simply that our desires, at their core, can be for something negative.

Practicing a discipline where we deny ourselves for the good of others systematically, even in a small Lenten practice, normalizes this skill for us. It gives us baby steps to practice on. Children can use the Lenten practices to learn more self control as well! Even something as simple as learning the self control not to take that second cupcake is difficult (failed that one last night!) The more we practice any skill, the easier it will become, which will lead to a better balance within ourselves. How many of us eat what we know we should and exercise as we know we should? Making some small effort in our Lenten practices can foster mindfulness in our choices in these regards as well.

Beyond the typical types of self denial and self sacrifice, lifelong practicing and honing those skills gave saints like Saint Maximillian Kolbe the spiritual strength to make the ultimate sacrifice to save another. In less spectacular ways, all of our society benefits when people have the self control to live in a lawful, orderly society. Even skills such as taking turns or not interrupting at their roots involve self denial in a small way.

What is really great is this is all customizable! We pray and then choose a discipline that will work for us. It certainly doesn't have to be a food item, either. If you are having trouble choosing, consider one of these optionsAleteia: 10 things to give up for Lent besides chocolate

Once we've chosen a discipline, the point is not to do it perfectly! The point is to try. And a quick disclaimer - I am personally terrible at fasting. No sooner than I know I'm fasting than I am thinking about food! But, not being good at it is kind of the point- and kind of why we need it!

Lastly, all the disciplines in the word won't bring us closer to the Lord without prayer! Fasting and prayer should go hand in hand as we turn over our wants and desires to Him. Please have a peace filled and fulfilling Lenten season.