While tidying around my house this weekend, I'm half listening to my 7 year old's YouTube session. She's enamored by some live acting Disney princess videos or those of the hyper-enthusiastic Cookie Swirl C, who unboxes American Girl dolls or LOL dolls and plays Roblox with her "cookie fans". Jarring into my consciousness is yet another political ad, discussing issues that my daughter and I have yet to discuss.
Regardless of where you stand in the political battles that are raging in America today, these political ads are full of heavy, adult topics that have just launched themselves at my daughter. This blog isn't primarily about politics, although I've written plenty of blogs on that subject. Mostly, it's a critique of our conception of childhood and what is and is not considered acceptable during those brief years these days.
On the one hand, it seems as if parents are tasked with removing any and all possible physical dangers from the lives of our children. Some used to call this idea "helicopter parenting", as the parents were always hovering over their children. Now, I'd say that we're entering the realm of bubble-wrap parenting, where society is not allowing children opportunities to fail, work hard, do chores or be held accountable for their own actions. On the other side of the great parenting divide is a style of parenting known as free-range parenting. While this can initially sound attractive- go out and get muddy, play outside until the sun goes down, etc.; it doesn't quite feel right for me and our family either. I'm not knocking anyone who finds themselves fitting into either one of these categories. The challenging task of raising children to responsible adulthood feels so daunting these days! Neither am I here to say I've figured out all the answers and have the puzzle solved. We're all constantly making decisions based off of our best judgment, based on the needs of our own particular children. I get that.
When the sheer nastiness of the adult political sphere starts to inject itself into the internet and media our children consume daily, it can be more than disheartening. Our children look to us to set examples and the neuroses of the adult sphere are avalanching into the innocence of youth. We'd like to be able to let our kids play without constantly watching over their shoulders. At the same time, there are lots of pitfalls to be aware of.
Children start doing or handling things outside of their appropriate developmental level partly because we rush them through childhood, emphasizing that eight year olds are more like tweens, tweens are more like teens, and teens are now autonomous countries where anything goes. Our twelve year olds may still want to play like kids do; our high schoolers still need our guidance, discipline and direction, however.
Too much innocence can lead to danger. "If you fail to understand evil, then you have laid yourself bare to it", states author Jordan Peterson in his most recent book, Beyond Order: 12 More Rules for Life. Perhaps this is why so many folktales and fairy tales of previous times contained truly terrifying things, framed in ways that perhaps made them easier for children to process. Instead of simply stating, "Be very afraid when you walk through the woods because a wolf may attack and eat you," we told tales like "Little Red Riding Hood" that had enough of the danger combined with some comic relief that it was neither too tepid nor too graphic for children to handle.
On the other hand, too much emphasis on the dangers of life can make our children shoulder a burden they are not really ready for, at least not yet. Our youngsters can become neurotic worrying about the environment or school shootings. Or, they can become callous and dismissive of risk. When we sound the alarm for too long at too loud of a tone, alarms themselves lose their effectiveness. Flashback to my freshman year in college. A classmate described hiding from her RA during a fire alarm in her closet, because she was exhausted and there had already been false alarms occurring every night that week. I was shocked at the time, having never faced this concept before, but alarm fatigue is a phenomena that's well documented.
We would never let a toddler play with a butcher knife, and we require youth to reach the age of 16 to be able to drive and 21 to smoke and drink to preserve their physical health. Where dangers for our youth are less frequently confronted seems to be in areas of mental, spiritual and sexual health. Mental health risks are well documented from overuse of social media in teens, especially girls. Hyper-sexualized media and early exposure to pornography can affect our young people's attitudes and behaviors in upcoming relationships in negative ways. Pornography can also be highly addictive and increases objectification of women. It can even drive an older youth's sexual abuse of younger children. The dangers to our children in these realms are very real; as issues such as human trafficking, youth depression, despair, self-harm and even suicide affect growing numbers of our youth today in so many heartbreaking ways.
So, how do we protect our children's childhoods without going too far? How do we protect them while providing enough opportunities for risks and growth? That truly is the challenge!
First of all, our kids still need structure. Simply put, they need the same people showing up in their lives, day in and day out. Family rules and guidelines about expectations, respect, chores and behaviors need not be the same, but are adaptable to your family's wants and needs. Part of this is fostering responsibility in our youth, laying the groundwork for them to grow into capable young people. Boundaries and boundary education by its nature should start early. We should continue addressing growing concerns, more explicitly and specifically, as they grow. For instance, our archdiocese mandates "Safe Environment Training" for all of the children served by our parish. Our instructor for those in grades K-5 is an engaging and understanding educator, who we're fortunate to have, as she has worked as a teacher for many years. The idea is not to shock children with things that could scare them (and they aren't developmentally ready to handle), like explicit examples of child abuse. Language is kept general while also providing our elementary age children basic ideas about concepts like good boundaries (and their ability to set those boundaries), safe and unsafe touch, safe and unsafe secrets and where to turn for help. I love it how she explains to them to trust their gut and says, "No one is allowed to make you feel unsafe, scared or uncomfortable." We can certainly find ways at home to reiterate those safety messages by discussing boundaries at home, as well as listening carefully when our children express concerns about someone they are interacting with.
Children need us to focus on providing for their whole health. This, of course, means physical health such as well child exams, but how do we help buffer them from the damaging mental health effects of our current society? Overuse of social media can push out interactions in real life. It may feel hellish to limit screen time, or unnecessary, particularly when we ourselves may struggle with limits in this area as well. Of course, it may depend on the age, as we want our older children to be able to limit this for themselves. However, regardless of age, being aware of what your children are viewing or how they are interacting with the internet is a good idea. It can at least help them process whatever is coming at them. Wise boundaries about what activities are age appropriate can be helpful, as well as any efforts on your part to make room for offline interactions, activities, recreation and such. Praying together or including your children in spiritual activities can be profoundly grounding and calming. Cooking together, hiking together, playing a game together and sharing family meals may feel old fashioned or unreachable, but even making the attempt (even if not always possible) can let our kids know that we care about them. We should not let the yearning for the perfect to be the enemy of the good when we struggle to do what we can to implement these types of activities
Brave conversation, to me, seems to be my best answer, as I attempt to walk the tightrope between too much constraint and too much permissiveness with parenting. Children must be taught how to think, not what to think, stated author and anthropologist Margaret Mead. When we get in there and have those brave conversations about our bodies, our boundaries, our health and the consequences for our choices in those regards, our children, particularly the older ones, may not always agree with us. They may form their own opposing opinions; but at least they know what we think about these topics and why we hold those beliefs. Regardless of whether or not we think our kids will listen to us, we have a calling as their parents to share our insights as well as our love with them. One-on-one conversations about difficult topics can feel difficult, but talking and listening, regardless of the topic, will lay the groundwork for something else even more key. Not only will you be providing the structure, moral orientation and character development that your children need as a backbone to human flourishing. You're also sending a very important message. You hear them, and you want to talk to them. Furthermore, you'll always be there to talk to them and help them, regardless of whatever particular difficult situation they are facing. And that is, truly, the most important thing of all.
