Daily conflict. Name-calling, power struggles, eye rolling. Drama and Yelling? Yes and Yes. In our case, this isn't Congress or some corporate boardroom undergoing a hostile take-over. No, my two youngest children are learning to negotiate.
So, what are my kids fighting about? What key issues are breaking up the peace of our home? Here's one recent example- who will take the first bath?
My middle son will declare he doesn't want to take his bath now, he wants to be second. So, naturally, my youngest, in awe with him, will also want to be second. Unless he decides he wants to be first. Then of course she wants to be first. Cute, isn't it? I'm of the parenting camp of letting them work it out for themselves unless of course it seems like it will deteriorate to nuclear war, in which I will step in and prevent any actual loss of life and limb. Does my intervention end in sulking or whining? Yes. Do they eventually each get cleaned? Yes. So, I far prefer to leave them to it.
Of course, sibling rivalry is nothing new. It's been around since Cain and Abel. Comforting thought for us parents, right!?! In the span between those ancient times and now, sibling rivalry has become a very well-documented phenomenon, of course. Most, if not all, siblings go through a period of intense conflict. I remember learning negotiation skills with my own siblings. With us all being 3 to 5 years or more apart in age, I always found I had the most conflict with the siblings adjacent to me in age. I'm the second child, and so I had the most conflict with the third. My younger brother and I in particular had many fights. He and I both recall an intense negotiation about a little electric piano he had and a fake bearskin rug that I had. As he explained it, I wheedled him into a trade, carefully crafting an argument about how awesome my rug was and how little the piano meant to him. He was hoodwinked at the time, but the lifelong lesson probably helped him in a future experience when a used car salesman would try to craft the same argument to separate him from his money.
Don't get me wrong, leaving my children to argue can be very difficult. For one thing, I am a peace-keeper by nature and a natural born negotiator. But most parents have discovered having to be the constant arbitrator between two warring individuals grows old really quick. Hence, my approach. To make it a less painful and more productive, I've tried to create some ground rules- we call them "rules of engagement" such as warring countries have. There are certain insults that should never be hurled, certain behaviors that should never be done. Crossing those lines leads to not getting your way when I intervene.
It is particularly hard for my son on the Autism Spectrum (ASD) to handle negotiation. Perspective taking and flexibility are some of the most important skills used while negotiation, and they are some of his weakest skills. For my own (nearly constant) negotiation with him, I've also quoted former president Ronald Reagan, "We don't negotiate with terrorists". This means that a certain disposition, a minimum level of human decency, is required to get me to discuss this with you.
Another helpful tool I use I got from a book I read recently (I believe this was from Jordan Peterson, but I can't recall for sure.) The process is this; the first person is to present their argument. Then, the second person can issue their rebuttal, but only after summarizing the other person's argument to that person's satisfaction. This is clearly an objectivity restorer. Can you imagine what our presidential debates would be like if we required the candidates to use this technique? Talk about a total transformation! I have successfully coached my children through this process multiple times.
Seeing (and hearing) my children squabble certainly isn't a joy. However, these are skills that are essential to learn. Think of this ability in the context of any partnership or even marriage. Issues in negotiation can lead to that stereotypical "taker" whose relationships fail because they always have to get their way or they aren't happy- the "it's my way or the highway" crew. It can also feel taxing to be with a perpetual "giver", who always defers any choices to you, never has an opinion, even about which restaurant to eat at or which color to paint the bathroom. Years later when the marriage dissolves from resentment, only then do we come to find out they hate Thai food and detest the green we chose for the bathroom. Neither type leads to a healthy partnership and both are breeding grounds for resentment.
Beyond personal relationships, compromise is the background of our society. We need to be able to negotiate effectively and ethically to deal with the diverse needs of our nation, even when it is not comfortable to do so. We learn those basic negotiation skills as children and they serve us throughout our lives.
There are some "light at the end of the tunnel" insights for me regarding this topic. First, though my brother and I fought tirelessly against each other in our youth, no resentment remains. We now have a lovely relationship that I value very much. Secondly, my oldest daughter is able to bathe on her own schedule, with no conflict whatsoever. She's also skilled in de-escalating her siblings' fights, and she gracefully navigates the fine line between placating her brother with ASD and challenging him to try ever harder. Lastly, my youngest daughter and my son have recently formed a common bond around the fandom of "Miraculous Adventures of Ladybug and Cat Noir". They are both avid fans and enjoy spending time with each other chatting about various aspects of the show. I see more positive interactions. Common bonds and common ground are what help us the most when we struggle in negotiation, so I am grateful for this newfound commonality. May we all strive to find that common ground when we are faced with a difficult negotiation, whether it is in our social lives or beyond!
